Talking About Infertility Isn’t Easy
I have a beautiful parenting post from Aaron about the challenges of infertility and the inspiration in knowing that miracles can, and do, happen when you least expect it. I hope you love this post as much as I did.
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I have heard people say that being a parent is a challenge. I have even heard people say that being a parent is difficult. The one thing though you rarely hear people talk about is how challenging and difficult it is to have a child. Generally, it isn’t something that’s discussed in an open forum. If it’s talked about openly it is usually through ridicule, persecution or guilt.
Now, in our early 40’s, my wife and I are older parents. We are fortunate to have one, three-year-old son, Xander. As I look back now, I realize strangers, family and friends were often talking about us and they weren’t always kind. At 42 years of age, my marriage will celebrate 17 years this year. The year Melissa and I turned 30 is when we started feeling the effects of not having children.
We were the couple that others talked about. The conversation people would openly say was far different from what people said when we weren’t present. They would talk to us and behind our backs.
To Us:
- It’s nice not having children!
- I can’t believe you don’t have kids yet!
- Don’t worry God has a plan for you.
- Is there a reason you don’t have a family yet?
Behind our backs:
- They are so selfish! They just enjoy being alone and their freedom. They have no idea what they are missing out on!
- There must be something wrong with them.
- God probably has a real good reason for not letting them have any children yet!
- They don’t have a family because they can’t afford children.
We tried not to let other people’s opinions bother us. I know that they actually became a source of contention between my wife and myself. We started believing what we heard and often argued over simple things. In general, we stopped talking to each other. We were both becoming consumed with having a child.
Most parents don’t know the anguish of fertility problems. They don’t understand how painful it is to watch other families. Parenting is stressful but in my opinion it will never be as stressful as wondering if you will ever be a parent. Birthdays, holidays and celebrations are much emptier and less vibrant once you believe that you may never have a child.
It was in 2003 that Melissa spoke to her gynecologist about having a child. It was then that we learned life isn’t always fair. The doctor recommended a searching for a fertility specialist and clinic, such as My Egg Bank. It wasn’t until 2005 that we actually saw our first fertility doctor. We opted to wait one full year because of financial reasons. I can tell you that fertility treatments are not inexpensive.
Insurance companies are not very helpful with fertility. In most states, including the one we lived in then, almost none of it covered by insurance. We had to pay for almost everything ourselves. Insurance companies don’t consider having a child a medical necessity and (yes I am going to knock men now) they will cover Viagra but not the drugs that help the body to release an egg. By insurance company standards having a child is not an elective option. No one could have told us, especially Melissa, that she wasn’t meant to have children. We got to deal with depression, anger, sorrow and a whole list of emotions.
I won’t go into all the details but I can tell you by May of 2008 we had given up hope. We knew that time and money were running out. We actually started to talk about adoption and resigned that we would never have a child naturally. It was during that same month we found out Melissa was pregnant. Our son, our only son, Xander Ian was born in 9 months on his due date without incident (I might add without being induced. Xander knew timing was important.)
Going through the process of trying to have our son was probably the most stressful time in my life. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever go through the pain that we endured. It took a toll on my life, marriage and mental well-being. It truly becomes all-encompassing and overwhelming.
Today, I would tell anyone that is having fertility problems to listen and talk to their spouse (I wish someone would have told me that.) You are both going through the same emotions and can help support one another. It is very easy to blame, hate and fight with each other. Being together can help you get through all the insensitive comments you will hear. It might even help to keep you a little sane.
Fatherhood is the greatest thing that is ever happened to me. I love my son with all my heart and I feel blessed everyday just for the opportunity to say I am a father.
About the author: Aaron is a 42-year-old stay-at-home dad. He has a Bachelors of Social Work and had worked in Social Services investigating child abuse. He considers fatherhood and parenting a privilege that should not be taken for granted. His website Dadblunders is about being a mentor, parent and father.
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Thank you, Aaron, for sharing your heartfelt and honest story about infertility with my readers. I appreciate you very much.
For everyone else, have you struggled with infertility or known someone who has? Share it in the comments.
Please use the sharing buttons above or below to share the love with other parents and would-be parents who might be struggling with infertility and need uplifting. Thank you!
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Feature images courtesy of Aaron.
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Oh Amber this hit close to home. I actually go through infertility treatment and I have just finalized my latest IVF treatment. I am actually waiting to go for my “pregnancy test” on Saturday (crossing fingers). I know what it feels like, I know exactly what Aaron and his wife have gone through because I experience the same thing. The pain is not just psychological but it is also physical. My husband hates having to inject me everyday (intramuscular) the others I can do myself. We are both healthy and we have tried for a very long time. I am now in my mid 30s and my husband is in his mid 40s. We have been together 12 years and have tried for 5 years now. I am very happy for Aaron and Melissa – you inspire me. I am hoping this is my time now. I hope to be able to hold on to this pregnancy and god knows we want a child in the most desperate way. We have been able to enjoy our marriage, we travel, we have a great support system, but we also have those who aren’t very kind and who always find something negative to say. I am holding on to the idea that I will be a mommy one day and that this baby (fingers crossed) will complete our wonderful family.
Thanks for sharing this with us Amberr!
It was a long road for my wife and me and having Xander. I won’t deny that the hardest part was often remembering that we were in it together. We fought, blamed and cried to each other. It was difficult because we often forgot to talk to each other. It would be the one thing I would tell anyone struggling with having a child. Never forget you are in it together. I can honestly say looking back now I wish someone had told me that. It would have save me a lot of grief during the hard parts.
I am now a blessed man 1000 times over. I sincerely hope your dreams become a reality.
Aaron
Excellent post Amberr. Aaron shows a lot of courage talking openly about his subject. I’m sure because of his attitude he’s a great father and Melissa a great mother. May they go from strength to strength and perhaps even be blessed with a second child to keep Xander company.
Thank you David I appreciate the compliments. One of the motto’s I live by is ” Make It Count.” I know that my son has only one childhood and I plan to make sure it is filled with as many good memories as i can.
Aaron
Thanks for sharing, Aaron. My wife and I are both 30, no kids. Our reasoning doesn’t have to do with fertility, but the fact that my wife has been battling cancer for 18 of her 30 years. People in our church, that have watched her group up, prayed for her during chemo and surgeries and see her on a regular basis, STILL ask us when we will be having kids. Are you kidding me? She freaking has cancer! People are either thoughtless…ignorant…or rude. I understand it is important to show grace to people in all situations, but it sure gets tiring to cover for other peoples’ blunders.
It honestly does Brad. I know for us it didn’t start bothering us until we hit 30. My wife always disliked when people would tell us, it was part of gods plans and then immediately tell people (often with disdain) he must have a good reason for not letting us have a child.
I was always surprised at the cruelty of people over not having children. In my experience a majority of people are either thoughtless or far to supportive. Usually the only people we ever could talk to that didn’t treat us like freaks were other parents going through the same thing or something similar.
I am known as dadblunders online. People have asked me wjy did you choose that name. I choose dadblunders not because I am bumbling father but because we all make blunders in life but its what we choose to do with that counts. We have to learn from our mistakes to make things better from others. I sincerely hope things work out for you and your wife and she is 100% well.
Aaron
My sperm was barely fertile enough to do the job. My first wife and I had been married nearly four years before she became pregnant, and I’ve always credited the boxers I was forced to wear when I was in the army. Apparently they keep the sperm cooler than briefs and made just enough difference for us. Thank God I was able to father one sweet, beautiful and intelligent daughter.
It actually is a question that gets asked when going through treatments. I was told I couldn’t wear any tight fitting underwear/boxers/briefs. Jeans and slacks had to be lose. The tighter and warmer the less sperm protection a man can have.
Aaron
Thank you for sharing your heartwarming story.
Thank you for reading it Mary. It was a journey and process for my wife and I.
Aaron
Thanks for your honest post. I’m always amazed how people will ask a couple, “Why don’t you have children yet?” or “Where’s your 2nd one (if you already have a kid)?” They don’t know if you’re having fertility problems or not. Plus, it’s really none of their business.
I enjoyed sharing our journey. My goal is to hopefully enlighten people that we can have an open discussion about infertility and the struggles people have. We don’t have to assume that everyone that doesn’t have children doesn’t want them. As a social worker I never assumed because someone has children that they actually wanted kids,
I believe though the more we talk about infertility openly the more likely people will stop being judgmental about the whole situation. I know that if my wife or I can save one couple from going through any of humiliation we went through it’s worth it to talk about.
Aaron
I wanted to thank Amberr for letting me share our story. Just in case anybody wondered I had Melissa’s blessing and support to write about our story openly and honestly. Our hope is that we can try to help people understand that having children isn’t always written in stone. I think emotionally it is harder trying to have a child than it is being a parent. Hopefully, my post will help people understand that often what a person needs is just someone to listen. They will tell you if they want suggestions or ideas. Listening is truly a great gift to someone with infertility problems….nothing more….nothing less.
Aaron
What a wonderfully well-written and as you say Amberr, heartfelt,
account of infertility. Aaron is right on about this being a topic people don’t
talk about honestly and openly. I have some dear friends that went through this
process and sadly it ended up destroying their marriage. This situation (like
so many others in life) is difficult for people to really relate to unless
they’ve gone through it themselves. And the amount of judgment people fling
thoughtlessly at other’s lives constantly astonishes me. It could be a wonderful
world if people genuinely took to heart the Native American saying to not judge
someone until you’ve walked in their shoes (moccasins).
Excellent post, Aaron! Thanks to both Aaron and Amberr!